'Out of the blue', as you participate in a routine meeting, you find yourself under attack. While you might consider the issue to be clear, the motivation and strategy of your adversary definitely is not clear. You want to react, giving as good as you are receiving - right now! You seem to be so close to 'saving your skin', proving an injustice, when you realize that you have possibly over-reacted and suddenly you're perceived to be the aggressor!

One very valuable but under-rated skill among business people today is the ability to handle themselves when confronted, challenged and even overwhelmed by other persons, or by events, in which they are involved. Being unable to handle such situations successfully results in suppression of both emotions and actions, with a concurrent escalation in personal stress levels. How should you manage such situations? First, let me relate an enlightening anecdote.

Once upon a time, there was an elderly gentleman who lived alone in a small but well kept cottage just down the road from a local school. Each week he put out his garbage in bins for the municipal sanitation crews to collect – did I mention that this is a fairy story?

A gang of boisterous kids passed his house on the way to school and, noticing the emptied bins, decided to have some 'harmless fun'. Taking their hockey sticks they beat a substantial tattoo on the bins, waking everyone in a two hundred yard area and destroying the bins in the process. The elderly gentleman apologized to his neighbors and replaced the bins – out of his limited savings.

Next week, the gang repeated the prank, using even more enthusiasm in their efforts, and once more the gentleman made reparations. The third week, he was waiting for the kids. They weren't intimidated and rudely pushed him aside so they could do justice to the shiny new bins.

“Hold on a moment,” called the old man, “I want to make you a business deal.” They stopped and looked at him suspiciously. “What're you talking about, old man?” one of the leaders asked. “What kind of deal have you got that could interest us?”

The self-appointed leader swaggered over to confront the man. “You really are out of your skull”, he said, “but in case we might be interested, what would you pay us?”

“I'll pay you fifty cents for each bin that you destroy,” he offered.

“Fifty cents! You really are crazy!” the tough exploded. “Do you think we'd spend our time and effort for a stupid fifty cents? We've got much better things to do with our time”

“I'm sorry to hear that,” said the old gentleman, “I guess I'll have to look for someone else to do it.” “You got that right!” said the gang leader, “C'mon guys, let's go find us some real money.” The old man retired to his cottage with a smile, never to be bothered again.

This is Ju-jitsu. In proper terms, Ju-jitsu is a form of self defense that uses deflection to overcome force. In relationships it's the technique of deflecting confrontation, anger and hostility to minimize the possible damage. There have been times in my life when an issue resulted in a forceful confrontation, which turned out to be even more damaging than the original problem. You know how it goes - tempers flare, harsh words are spoken, feelings are damaged, sometimes irreparably.

How much better it might have been if I'd remembered the wisdom of that old gentleman and his garbage bins. I would have used Ju-jitsu and the damage would have been so much less. The rules are simple, easy to learn and even easier to practice.

The first rule of Ju-jitsu is balance – so give facts and feelings equal billing, keep both short and long term factors in mind, and match the details with 'big picture' considerations.

The second rule is deflection – which in relationships means focus first on what you can agree on, next on what is different but not contentious, and only then identify the points on which you are opposed. Vocalize the points as you identify them.

Third rule is the use of surprise – don't do what is expected, but instead argue for the other person's position, change the timing by taking a longer than expected pause before responding, and finally go beyond whatever is demanded – offer to do more than asked.

The fourth rule is conservation of invested effort – the effort being less than usual because you're dealing with a smaller issue (see the second rule), you spend less energy in needless argument and you deliver a higher value result.

The fifth and final rule centers on damage control – you'll have less to repair in the future, as you attempt to rebuild the relationship, because you destroyed less when confronting the issue. Does this make sense to you?

There are too few meaningful relationships in our business lives today, too few ways in which we can care, share and extend ourselves in the service of others. This spiritual dimension of ourselves takes so long to create and a great deal of effort to sustain, and yet it can be destroyed, in a very few minutes, in the heat of argument or passionate disagreement. Let it stop right here!

If you were to review those critical moments in your experience, and we rarely seem to forget them, you could rehearse them, using the Ju-jitsu approach outlined above, and gain a different outcome. Perhaps it's too late for those in the past, but it's never too late to learn to protect ourselves in the future – which is where we'll be spending the rest of our lives.

Self insight is always profitable. Visit the Andros Website for some useful assists.